


Random Without a Doubt

by Hillbilly_Leprechaun



Series: Summer Slalom 2018 [17]
Category: asdfmovie (Cartoon)
Genre: Multi, cartoons never die, prompt word: qualm, what the hell?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-06-17 20:57:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15469905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hillbilly_Leprechaun/pseuds/Hillbilly_Leprechaun
Summary: asdfhjkl... what to do...





	Random Without a Doubt

**Author's Note:**

> Fandom: asdfmovie  
> Pairing: See Above  
> Prompt Word: Qualm

Eddie has once again lost his girlfriend to the skateboarding cow pretending to be a man. John knows how he feels because he has once again lost his girlfriend to Butterfly. A pregnant woman notices these instances of cheating, but she says nothing. A little boy walks up to her.

 

“Can Suzie come out to play?”

 

“Sure.”

 

She agrees. Suddenly, her premature daughter breaks out of her stomach and runs off with the little boy. The mom walks into her house, and John walks over to Eddie.

 

“Do you ever feel apprehensive about this life?”

 

Eddie shrugs, wiping away a tear. “My girlfriend left me to go skateboard with a cow.”

 

“I know how you feel. Honey left me too. She’ll be back. But then she’ll just leave me again.”

 

A woman walks by, and a waitress follows her. “Miss, you need to pay for your meal!”

 

“Nope!”

 

She opens her mouth and tosses out the sandwich she had eaten. It pops out, fully uneaten, onto the platter in the waitress’s hand. The woman walks away, satisfied. The waitress looks down at the sandwich, which then jumps to the floor. It morphs into a person and climbs into John’s mouth.

 

“Okay.” The waitress seems satisfied if not mildly surprised and walks away.

 

“You know who’s gay?” A man who has suddenly appeared to the other side of John and Eddie.

 

They look at him, and another guy appears to the other side. The Know Who Guy looks at him. “You.”

 

Know Who’s “stranger” stabs him and Know Who complains. KW Stranger walks away, and KW frowns. He stays with John and Eddie. He nudges John.

 

“Joey in there?”

 

John nods, as Joey is the name of the impenetrable sandwich.

 

 _Meow, meow, I am a cow_ … The skateboarding cow is heard from the distance, and Eddie shrugs again. _I said, meow, meow I am a—_

 

“NOOO!” The original Beep Beep Sheep reprimands him for stealing the sheep thunder.

 

“My girlfriend just left Skateboarding Cow,” Eddie explains to John.

 

Three men walk by, with the last one carrying a bowl of salad. They are followed by two little girls. The second guy suddenly reaches around and grabs the bowl of salad from the last guy. He sets it down on a table and starts to punch it, angrily shouting that he is committing such an act.

 

“Stop it! Why are you? Don’t punch my salad!”

 

The taller girl ignores them and joins the taller man. “Dad, I’m hungry.”

 

“Nice to meet you, Hungry. I’m Dad.” He grins.

 

“Why did you name me this way?”

 

She protests, but John walks forward. Joey climbs out of his mouth and approaches Hungry.

 

“Hello, Hungry. I am a sandwich.”

 

She takes his hand and they leave. Her dad doesn’t notice as he instead watches the man punch the salad. The other girl stands there until a basketball suddenly bounces past her. Giggling, she chases it. The basketball knows her name is Suzie and he calls for her to follow him into the street. She does as he wants, and she gets hit by a car. The evil basketball grins. He is then instantly flattened by a car and a driving llama that has no idea how to drive gallops out and into the distance. As the llama races away, it passes two kids. One of them holds up two gaming controllers.

 

“Hey, Buddy. Wanna play?”

 

“No. You always beat me.”

 

Gamer proceeds to beat Buddy with the game controllers. “Tell no one!”

 

He stops when Bobby falls down the stairs and narrowly avoids them by crashing instead into a nearby piano that has no business being there. ILT Kid is standing nearby, and his dad Harold asks him how he is doing today. ILT looks up with a soft smile. Gamer and Buddy run away to avoid the wrath as ILT opens his mouth.

 

“I like trains.”

 

“You sure do.” Harold smiles, but nothing happens.

 

KW’s Stranger returns and KW’s wound is patched up. The salad puncher is still punching the salad, and now the salad’s original owner is punching the salad puncher as well. The Moon urges the punching men to kiss. Hungry’s dad is watching them with as much interest as the Moon. John and Eddie have nowhere else to go. KW walks up to his Stranger.

 

“You know who’s gay?”

 

Before he can deliver the next line, everyone is hit by a train. Meanwhile, Harold walks into Suzie’s house and sees that the baby is on fire. He asks his wife why this is happening, but she only spazzes at him and waves her snake arms crazily.

 

“Buy me more jewelry!”

 

John resurfaces and sees a potato that he had recently squashed. “Die, Potato!”

 

The potato dons reflective shades and pulls out a shiny new gun. “Not today, John.”

 

“Hey, Billy! Catch!”

 

A nameless, faceless person throws a Frisbee in their general direction. John ducks, but the flying disc visibly hits Invisible Billy, as the empty space bleeds and a thump is heard. Eddie resurfaces, and someone calls for him to look. He does so, finding that his girlfriend has left the skateboarding cow that she had originally left him for. She is now dating Sun, who has also blinded Eddie. He falls backward, smushing Potato, who fires the gun and shoots John’s leg.

 

Meanwhile, Harold returns home with more jewelry. He sits down at his kitchen table and picks up the newspaper. As he begins to read the paper, his wife calls for him from another room.

 

“Do you like my new shoes?”

 

“You are a _chair_ , darling,” Harold replies, having taken his medication.

 

“I can _dream_ , Harold!” She snaps back.

 

Back with John, who is limping, and Eddie, who is blind, the nameless, faceless entity asks no one in particular what time it is. Mr. Muffin jumps up excitedly.

 

“It’s Muffin Time!”

 

Joey walks by with Hungry, looking at his watch. “Uhh… actually, it’s twelve-thirty.”

 

Mr. Muffin squeals, “Somebody kill me!”

 

_Beep, Beep, I am a sheep! I said, Beep, Beep, I am a sheep!_

 

The sheep can be heard singing their song from afar. Skateboarding Cow rolls his eyes in annoyance and sashays away on his skateboard. His wheels have blood on them, but no one bothers to say anything. As he slides by on the board, he also manages to cross the street without incident. Suzie follows him, despite her mother telling her not to cross the street.

 

“Look, Mom!” She exclaims. “I made it!”

 

Suddenly, she is squashed by a dinosaur. “I am a Stegosaurus!”

 

The mother isn’t surprised, of course. Behind the large dinosaur, Harold walks up to his daughter. She is drawing stick figures, but he still asks what she is doing.

 

“I’m drawing!”

 

She smiles seconds before the bear she is drawing on swallows her with a ‘nom’. Steven then crosses the road, singing.

 

“ _It’s a lovely day to walk down the road! If I ever stop singing, I will explode..."_

 

Joey is looking very full as he comes across the singing man. “Hello, Steven!”

 

“What have you done?” These are Steven’s last words before he explodes.

 

Mr. Muffin then walks along. “Do you have any room for muffin?”

 

Joey laughs it off, patting his tummy. It is possible that this sandwich person may have eaten Hungry. “No, thank you, Mr. Muffin.”

 

Mr. Muffin throws up his hands. “Why won’t you let me die?”

 

The Salad Puncher resurfaces alongside limping John and blind Eddie. The man punching the Salad Puncher resurfaces as well, and he continues to punch the man who is punching his salad. The Moon announces his presence, once again pressing them to kiss. KW Guy reemerges from the train “crash”, and he waits for Stranger to walk back over to him.

 

“You know who’s gay?”

 

Suddenly, they’re wearing coattails. John looks at Eddie before remembering he can’t see right now. He nudges him instead.

 

“Any qualms about this life?”

 

Eddie shrugs, bringing a glass of wine to his lips, with no idea how it got there. “Cartoons never die.”

 

KW Guy and Stranger suddenly appear in a marriage ceremony inside a gazebo. KW Guy smiles as the wedding bells ring.

 

“Us.”

 

Unexpectedly, the DTF Guy slides into frame with his trademarks hat and barred glasses. “Everybody, do the Flop!”

 

The Do The Flop Guy, Know Who Guy, Married Stabber Stranger, John and Eddie flop onto their faces. A Mine Turtle then falls from the sky. He lands on his feet. Then a narrator breaks the fourth wall with a text title screen.

 

“SUDDENLY PINEAPPLES!”

 

Pineapples fall from the sky, covering the screen but avoiding everyone who has flopped on the ground. A final miniature pineapple whistle falls and lands on the Mine Turtle. An explosion happens, causing everyone but the turtle to explode off the screen. Sweet as (pie-flavored) pie, Mine Turtle smiles to the screen.

 

“Hello!”

 

The screen then evaporates into static. When the screen turns white again, Eddie is no longer blind. He is crying without tears in his eyes because his girlfriend is leaving him for a “real man”. The real man is a Skateboarding Cow pretending to be a man. John’s girlfriend Honey holds out her index finger, so Butterfly can land on her hand. He does, and Honey ignores John when he tells her not to go with Butterfly. It is too late. Honey is Butterfly’s girlfriend now, and Butterfly says so. A pregnant woman notices these instances of cheating, but she says nothing. A little boy walks up to her.

 

“Can Suzie come out to play?”

 

“Sure.”

 

She agrees. Suddenly, her premature daughter breaks out of her stomach and runs off with the little boy. The mom walks into her house, and John walks over to Eddie.

 

“Do you ever feel apprehensive about this life?”


End file.
